


Grateful.

by primaverala



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abused Hinata Shouyou, Abusive Parents, Adult Hinata Shouyou, Alpha Kageyama Tobio, Alpha Sawamura Daichi, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hinata Shouyou & Yachi Hitoka Friendship, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Karasuno Family, M/M, Minor Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Omega Hinata Shouyou, Omega Sugawara Koushi, Omega Yachi Hitoka, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 12:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primaverala/pseuds/primaverala
Summary: Hinata wonders if he'll ever be more than an omega. Hinata wonders if he should be grateful for what he has.





	Grateful.

Hinata knows he’s weak. That’s what the books he can barely understand said. That was what the Alphas on the other teams said. That’s what everyone says. That’s what everyone who matters says.

Hinata knows he’s weak, but he likes to think that he can be strong. Even if it’s fake, and skin-deep, because he can train and train and track his meals (chicken, edamame, and ½ a cup of rice- a mix of protein and complex carbohydrates. He got it from Kageyama, and begrudgingly cut the portion sizes in half. He knows he doesn’t need that much, even though he’s hungry at the end of the day.)

But at the end of the day, of sweat and tears, empty stomachs and counting macros, he stares in the mirror.

He looks surprisingly strong, for an omega at least, his mind whispers. He wants to scold himself for those words, that omegas are not weak, but another part of his mind whispers that he’s right, you know, and he wonders why he feels a shiver of pride crawling through his throat.

He feels so dirty, that he avoids eye contact with all the omegas on his team the next day, and all the alphas too. He wonders if he can feel his stares on his back. He wonders if they’re hateful and knowing.

He wishes he was strong enough to stop being touched by him.

Because Hinata knows his strength, constructed and built and preened with pride (“You’re really prideful, for an omega, you know?” A classmate told him when he was a first year, Hinata stares up, up, up, into Alpha eyes that Hinata’s sure hasn’t had to work like him. Hinata stays silent for once. Once the Alpha leaves, no other words spoken (commanded, says another voice and Hinata screams), Hinata realizes that’s probably what the Alpha wanted, and feels hatred fester)

Pride he has built- is only down to his physique. Because at the end of the day, though he runs and says he’s strong and isn’t like that, he’s an omega.

That’s not bad. That’s an alright thing. To be an omega, that’s what the media says. That’s what his friends say. That’s what his role models say.

When he’s on the court, facing a team of six (All Alpha’s, usually, most teams aren’t as, accepting as Karasuno’s, he can hear Coach Ukai say and Hinata screams, slightly softer) He can feel his mind go blank. It just goes blank- it’s all static noise, and is his mind telling him to run or to kneel and show his underbelly Hinata doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know.

He relies on “instinct” in matches- the natural fear he has mixing with the want to prove (“What? That you’re not like other omegas?” Says Yachi when they’re second years. The statement is so blunt that Hinata walks home in complete silence)

The want to prove something, and Hinata’s running and jumping, flying high in the sky, and his eyes aren’t closed anymore because trusting is another omega trait, apparently, even if it got him this far.

It’s better like this- it wasn’t necessary to keep his eyes closed. This is one thing everyone can agree on, if he convinces them he’s fine.

Because who would want to keep someone like him on the team if he’s not atleast fucking useful.

He’s more confident now- a third year with his spot as a starter basically ensured. He closes his eyes though and sees Sugawara-kun, a setter demoted to pack mother and his last memory of him, Hinata realizes, is him cheering for the team on the sidelines.

He opens them and sees that a tall Alpha had signed up this year, talking to Yamaguchi energetically. The omega smiles, eyes calm and mature. Hinata feels inferior though he knows it’s not the same. Hinata is close enough to listen in- he wants to be a wing spiker. He has been in middle school, he says to Yamaguchi.

Hinata stares up at someone two years his junior, and he wants to scream (“This isn’t fair!”) but he can’t find it in him to in the first place.

Now Hinata wakes up at 5 every morning- run four miles, 30 minutes of weight lifting, then he grabs the Gymnasium’s keys and goes to practice early with Kageyama.

Kageyama wakes him up when he’s slumped over his bike at the gate. He must of forgotten he was at a school. Hinata thinks that it’s really blurry, and wonders if he has the leverage to take a nap.

It’s the first time the new team this year is practicing together, and Hinata doesn’t have time to rest. He takes it well- he shows the first years how to spike as the team’s (Honorary?) Ace, and coaches them individually when there’s time. It all goes well, and Hinata’s happily surprised at how seamless it is- how it seems to blend into everything. 

It doesn’t always stay like that sadly, Hinata realizes. Cause half-way through Spring Prefecture, Hinata makes his first switch out of the game that year.

Well, the first switch with him. Hinata knows he has a name (Meiji? Mako? Uh,) but he doesn’t want to assign it to him. Even if the other side of him says it’s rude and he should be grateful. (‘Grateful for what?’ Hinata whispers)

He takes the panel and stares up, up, up at an Alpha who’s Hinata’s sure has ruined his life.

Meiji-Mako-; fuck, brushes past him like one would fine china, and Hinata’s pretty sure that he actually ruined his own life, first.

Hinata’s staring at the game, happening. There’s other players on the sidelines, too- mostly first years if not all. He closes his eyes, and sees white hair. He squeezes them harder and he’s surrounded by Suga’s sweet scent, he presses his palms into his eyes, and he opens them and Suga’s gone.

He wonders how Suga-kun did it. Cheer for the rest of the team while secretly feeling cut out. Maybe Sugawara truly did accept it gracefully. Maybe Hinata-kun should accept his fate.

Hinata wonders if he could ask Sugawara how to become a bitch and take it lying down. He wonders if he’s on his third or fourth pup with Daichi, he wonders if he’ll ever be able to ask him, if Suga has time in between his busy schedule getting fucked and becoming a perfect housewife.

He wonders what fate he’s really out-running, or if he’s out-running himself.

Hinata cheers instead. (“Be grateful.” Hinata doesn’t bother asking this time) He chants the Karasuno Volleyball cheer, and the other players on the sideline join in. The rest of the team seems to be rejuvenated, and Hinata watches on. He watches the sweat trickle down Kageyama’s cheek. He wonders if he loves Kageyama or if he wants to be Kageyama. He wonders why he can’t have both.

At the end of the cheer he casually turns away and feels tears start in his chest, he feels his lips wobble and his throat tighten. He wipes them away. Why is he crying? He must truly be hysterical and over-emotional.

Hinata gets put in- (from Maji-Maki-Mangko) and he lowers his eyes, avoiding the gaze of his junior successor before rushing in.

It goes well and they move on in the finals.

Everything goes well, actually. They win nationals, and Hinata plays the entire time on the match they’ll always remember. He tries to be prideful but he can feel the title of Honorary Ace stapled over his head. He feels the ball reel into his hand before he fires it over the net- and it’s the winning point.

National Champions. It’s a heavy title, strong and amazing, one that Hinata’s sure shouldn’t be equated with him.

 

Hinata gazes into the mirror, he’s pretty sure he’s gotten even stronger. His muscles are completely defined, and there seems to not be an ounce of fat on him.

He stares into it and Hinata’s still feeling dizzy. He cuts out the rice from the meal plan. It’s not enough.

Not enough for what? The other side of him wonders, if he’s lost and floating in the sea now that his highschool career with Volleyball has ended. He wonders if he can play at college, but laughs at that thought. He downsizes his expectations and imagines himself at the Neighborhood Association, except this time it’s with the old women playing, and Hinata starts to laugh before he cries into his pillow.

There’s been agents coming to scout Karasuno, for a while, before Nationals. It’s to be expected, considering Karasuno’s winning records from the past three years.

Hinata jumps his hardest, and flies up past the net.

 

Kageyama gets a letter from Tokyo University, about a full-ride scholarship. Hinata, the only one who was given the right to watch Kageyama open it (Hinata looks up to Kageyama’s hopeful eyes, Hinata sent his application in too, but he hasn’t gotten his back yet) gets to congratulate Kageyama, as Kageyama asks him about his application.

Hinata pauses, and looks down. “I haven’t got it yet.” Kageyama stiffens, an apologetic look on his face that Hinata wishes he could slap off but Hinata knows he should be grateful. 

“It’s fine, you should get it soon.” Hinata looks out Kageyama’s kitchen window. It’s turning into dusk, and Hinata’s glad he’s staying over since it’s getting dark outside. Hinata wants to tell Kageyama it’s never that easy. Hinata doesn’t have the words. Maybe he’s becoming dumber also? 

Hinata kisses Kageyama. It’s easier this way, he should be grateful for any time he’s given.

 

Hinata doesn’t get the letter, and he’s not surprised, even when he sees the rejection letter in his hands. He wants to crumple it but he feels too weak to even move his fingers. He’s at his own kitchen table- and the letters stand stark and bold when his vision wavers.

He burrows his head into his hands and sobs, and the first thought on his mind (Not his future, not his life, not his dreams) is how he’ll tell Kageyama.

 

He doesn’t tell Kageyama, he decides. He waits till last minute, three days before Kageyama’s leaving, and Hinata’s searching for a job in the Miyagi prefecture. Something close to home. Maybe he’ll go to a local college, maybe a 2 year degree? What would he teach then- childcare, teaching? Maybe he’ll get knocked up instead. It might even be cheaper.

Hinata doesn’t want to stay home anymore. He tells Tobio that he’s not going to Tokyo, and Kageyama takes it as well as expected. 

In the end, Kageyama’s leaving on a train, and Hinata wonders if Kageyama thinks he actually hates him now. Hinata smiles until it hurts, and he feels his face become sore as his eyes tremble and burn. He hates this so, so much.

He can already feel the hands on him. He found the application Hinata sent to Tokyo, those hopeful few months ago (that in retrospect, probably didn’t feel so hopeful. When did Hinata last feel good?) and Hinata can feel his skin, still tender from the beating that occurred.

Hinata decides to just get a job. He should be grateful in the first place, for the space that’s been given for a piece of shit like him.

 

It all goes good- he realizes he gets his heat next week and feels that hatred burn into his skin. He wears layers in May even if he’s in pre-heat and burning up, and decides that’s his punishment. He paces the floors anxiously as he wonders about every little thing that could go wrong, and he wonders if that’s a normal omega-trait or if he’s just uniquely hysterical.

Hinata knows he’s not that special and decides he should be grateful for how he’s still put up with by him anyway.

 

The haze clears at the end of his heat and he realizes that he has semen that’s not his own on his body. He remembers a memory (He’s pounding on the door and yelling at him to ‘Let me in, dammit!’ and Hinata can still feel the tears on his cheeks. He touches them and realizes that’s him crying in real time, and he feels sore and used and comparable to an used up tissue napkin)

He tells him, a smirk on his face, that Hinata must of been a virgin, when Hinata goes downstairs after his heat, since he was so tight and all.

Hinata nods mutely and thanks him, before heading to work for another shift.

 

It’s been months and Hinata knows the truth. He’s pregnant. 

Hinata wishes he could get rid of it- any child raised by him will suffer a cruel reality in that house- but he knows what he’s only good for.

He stares at a certain tombstone. Even in death, Suga is reunited with the Karasuno team once more. He lays his forehead against the cold stone. Birth complications, apparently. Was it the eighth child or the ninth that took him out? Was it the birth control that Omegas weren’t allowed to have or the fact that they are all breeding machines? Hinata wonders if Daichi can even raise kids, if he even tries to, and finds he doesn’t give two shits what happens to the god damn brats. He imagines Sugawara’s floral scent and cries. He imagines Suga cheering for the team, and Hinata Shouyou feels the baby kick for the first time.

Hinata Shouyou wants to claw through his skin, through his stomach or maybe take his own life too, and take everything away. He stares ahead at the cold, hard, tombstone of Sugawara (Sorry- Sawamura) Koshi. It only solidifies his belief.

 

Hinata gives birth to a baby boy in January. “He’s healthy!” Happily exclaims a beta nurse, “Would you like to test for his presentation?” Hinata shrugs, he hopes it doesn’t cost extra money. He wouldn’t be happy about that. The nurse takes his apathy as a ‘yes’. 

He stares into the eyes of his baby. He’s an Alpha, apparently. He'll have a happy life, an easy life, the baby he holds in his hands. He looks just like any child for now though, small and ugly with a thumb popped in his mouth. For now. Hinata wonders if he should feel happy about the opportunity this child has, that he never got.

Hinata wonders if he should feel grateful.


End file.
